wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
