She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
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i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
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Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now