My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.