you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
