You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
