I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Randomize
