That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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