i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
