maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
