i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
