I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
