Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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