My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize