oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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