I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Randomize
