You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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