i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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