My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
