If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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