his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
