You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
