She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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