If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
