Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
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