Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
