she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Are my feet made of real feet?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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