gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
