I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
