I think im going to throw up on grandma
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
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