Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Randomize
