Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
