if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She bit a glass in half.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
