i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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