you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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