I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
