I faked an abortion last night.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
