my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
