You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
