How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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