I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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