hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
