I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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