I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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