I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
