Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
