I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
