His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
