I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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