Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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