your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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