its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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