my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
