i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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