I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
