Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
