Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
