i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
