someone get that fucking seahorse.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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